The exhausting thing for me isn’t the depression or the anxiety itself, but the management of it all.
I feel like I can never let go of my mind - I can’t trust it to run free.
Off you go!
I’m constantly monitoring how I’m feeling, comparing my thoughts to reality to make sure my brain isn’t tricking me, evaluating the shape of my day, week, month to figure out if I have the resources to do what I need to do.
Ok, I’m feeling hard and brittle and angry. Is there any reason for that? That guy was pretty rude to me and I’m worried about the weekend, but otherwise there aren’t really any really angry things happening right now. The rage I felt towards that woman on the subway was totally out of proportion to the situation, she was just moving a little too slow. Ok, so I need to remember that I’m feeling touchy and raw and to make sure that I take a moment before reacting to anything. Maybe I should cancel dinner tonight, it’s probably not great to be around so many people until I have a grip on this.
No matter what, there’s always a portion of mental processing power being spent on measuring, evaluating, calculating, reacting, and managing my crazy.
Sometimes, it’s only a little.
Sometimes it’s a lot.
I get tired, managing my brain, organizing my thoughts, parsing through my feelings to find out what is being affected by my mental illness.
Even when I get home, sit down alone, and try to turn it all off, I can’t.
Have to wake up early tomorrow maybe I should check my alarm one more time I’m always late why can’t I ever wake up on time why can’t I just get out of bed just forget it leave it you don’t have to think about that ok so tomorrow early out so I can be on time and then get to work you’re doing well at work you need to stop thinking that you’re not doing well at work everyone likes what you’re doing just stop obsessing about it and just work like everyone else works and then go home why are you feeling so stressed about the weekend you have everything all planned out as long as nothing happens tonight or tomorrow night there shouldn’t be problem with there there will be a bunch of new people but that’s ok you just need to make sure that you’re only there for a few hours
My brain is a fist that can never unclench.